A Brief History of Pregnancy

To put it bluntly: 

Pregnancy is bullshit.

Now in the eighth month of my second - and, trust me, final - pregnancy, I have come to the conclusion that this is the type of painful oppression that could only have been invented by some rich, land-owning, white Christian MEN during the Victorian era.

Image: Public Domain

Men: Grumble, grumble, these women these days and whatnot, grumble grumble.

Buford: Hey. What are we going to do about these women? I mean, they're nice to look at and all, but we need to come up with more ways to keep them as immobile and uncomfortable as possible, before they start wanting to vote and drink in pubs and stuff.

Orville: The other day my wife expressed an opinion! About politics! Where does it end, brothers? WHERE DOES IT END?

Silas: My daughter wants to be a doctor when she grows up. How am I supposed to feel like a man in my own home when faced with that sort of perversion?

Merrill: My maid wants a living wage. How...I...what....I don't even...

Orville: Shhh, there, there.

Buford: Calm down, dudes. Like I said, what can be done about this?

Orville: What if we cut off their feet? Like, at birth? We just cut off all baby girls' feet.

Buford: I like where you're going with this, but let's hear some other ideas.

Silas: We could just drown all baby girls. 


Buford: No, no. We like our women. Without them we'd have to cook our own meals, and I'm not having that.


Merrill: What if we make them carry the babies before they are born? You know, those babies that just appear out of nowhere? We can make women do that part. Not for, like, ever, but less than a year. Say, nine months or so.


Buford: I like it. I like it a lot.


Orville: Ok, but we have to make it really uncomfortable. Like, painfully so. With bloating, and gas, and cramping, and stretching, and back pain, and insomnia. Not enough to kill them, but enough to keep them away from our humidors and brandy snifters.


Silas: And if they complain, we'll tell them they are being unwomanly, and that everything they do is bad for the baby. If they move around too much, it's bad for the baby. If they don't move enough, it's bad for the baby. If they eat too much, it's bad for the baby, but if they don't eat enough it's also bad for the baby. And if they think mean things about the pregnancy, or us, or anything at all ever, that is the absolute WORST thing for the baby, and may destroy mankind as we know it.


Buford: So, gestating babies it is, fellas?


Orville, Silas and Merrill: Yes!


...I may have made this up.