Wednesday, May 30, 2012

An Open Letter: Re: Baths

American Civil Liberties Union
Amnesty International
President Obama
The United Nations Children's Fund
New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly
Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz

My name is the Duke of Juban. I live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York, and I am twelve weeks old. I write to you today to bring to your attention a most grave injustice: my baths.

The woman who proposes to be my mother gives me baths. I am not sure if you are aware or not, but baths involve my ancient mortal foe, water. Water on my skin! In my hair! This woman tricks me into trusting her with my love and devotion and well-being by feeding me, playing with me, holding me, and putting me to sleep, and just as I start to trust her she thrusts me into a vat of warm water and cleans me. 

I know. I know!!!

The water hitting my skin may as well be boiling tar. My bath chair may as well be lined with needles. The soap she uses may as well be broken glass. The washcloth may as well have teeth. And the towel she dries me off with may as well be made of the most abrasive of sandpaper - you know, the kind they use to sand off old paint. 

"Torture of St. John the Evangelist" photo from

After twelve long weeks on this godforsaken earth, my so-called "loving mother" has not taken the hint. Baths are a wretched, heinous form of child abuse. Had the good lord wanted me to smell good, she would not have crusted my ears with spit-up, or peppered my scalp with cradle cap, or put that stinky lint between my fingers and toes, or made my butt go poop.

Never, in the history of babykind, has any child suffered as greatly as I do. Never before has any infant been forced to endure the kind of sadism I encounter on a weekly, sometimes twice or thrice weekly, basis! I fear for my future. I fear for my very soul.

Baths are unnatural, inhuman, and a disgrace to humankind. As a helpless minor I demand you do something to stop this evil woman and her baths!

Humbly yours,
The Duke of Juban, Baby, American Citizen, Future Voter, Brooklyn Borough Resident, Bath Victim


Tori said...

I have no children, but my dog reads my Internet over my shoulder. Casey would like to cosign this letter. She will worry about the whole she has no thumbs thing later.

Meredith L. said...

Damn kids and dogs, gonna get us in so much trouble.

Quercki said...

My baby just turned 21.

One of the books I read (I read them ALL, of course) suggested "topping and tailing." Basically just wiping the kid down with a washcloth on both ends.

My oldest (of 3) found the fancy baby-bath terrifying, and preferred a dishpan that she could hold on to so she could watch all that scary water.

Meredith L. said...

Quercki, you may be on to something...maybe it's time to introduce bath toys.

Pat Marinelli said...

Hang in there. You can get back at this woman when you decide baths are fun and she wants you get out of the tub. Just holler...loud.

Meredith L. said...