American Civil Liberties Union
The United Nations Children's Fund
New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly
Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz
My name is the Duke of Juban. I live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York, and I am twelve weeks old. I write to you today to bring to your attention a most grave injustice: my baths.
The woman who proposes to be my mother gives me baths. I am not sure if you are aware or not, but baths involve my ancient mortal foe, water. Water on my skin! In my hair! This woman tricks me into trusting her with my love and devotion and well-being by feeding me, playing with me, holding me, and putting me to sleep, and just as I start to trust her she thrusts me into a vat of warm water and cleans me.
I know. I know!!!
The water hitting my skin may as well be boiling tar. My bath chair may as well be lined with needles. The soap she uses may as well be broken glass. The washcloth may as well have teeth. And the towel she dries me off with may as well be made of the most abrasive of sandpaper - you know, the kind they use to sand off old paint.
|"Torture of St. John the Evangelist" photo from|
After twelve long weeks on this godforsaken earth, my so-called "loving mother" has not taken the hint. Baths are a wretched, heinous form of child abuse. Had the good lord wanted me to smell good, she would not have crusted my ears with spit-up, or peppered my scalp with cradle cap, or put that stinky lint between my fingers and toes, or made my butt go poop.
Never, in the history of babykind, has any child suffered as greatly as I do. Never before has any infant been forced to endure the kind of sadism I encounter on a weekly, sometimes twice or thrice weekly, basis! I fear for my future. I fear for my very soul.
Baths are unnatural, inhuman, and a disgrace to humankind. As a helpless minor I demand you do something to stop this evil woman and her baths!
The Duke of Juban, Baby, American Citizen, Future Voter, Brooklyn Borough Resident, Bath Victim