Book Review: Baby Faces

As we all know, there is no higher honor in life than being given a guest post spot here at Grey Skies. Today, I magnanimously allow my youngest child, the 6-month old Duke of Juban, to write a review of his favorite book. Enjoy.

***

Baby Faces. 2006 Ed., originally published 1998. DK Publishing, Inc.

:::Spoiler Alert!:::

The literary world is, of late, unfairly divided into two camps: those who have read the classic board book, "Baby Faces," and those who have not. The message boards are on fire with furious and poorly constructed arguments on both sides. But I say that this is an unfair division because to eschew vitriol on babies who haven't read this book is to misdirect the blame. No one doesn't read "Baby Faces" because he or she doesn't want to read it; rather, one doesn't read "Baby Faces" because one's parent or guardian does not keep it in the house. The blame, then, lies with the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and well-meaning family friends who refuse to expose their baby to the cultural nuance of such a book, the underlying message of inclusion and diversity, and the sheer - I would say almost bottomless - emotional depth the book provides. Shame on you, grown-ups.

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about the book. "Baby Faces" presents two challenges to the modern baby reader: first, there are words, and while it is not imperative to have a grown-up read the words to you, I do highly recommend you find one who will do this for you; and second, there are no new textures to touch or chew on as there are with other well-esteemed members of the baby board book cannon such as "Animals" or "Let's Get Dressed." But the lack of texture inside "BF" enhances, rather than detracts, from the book's draw: you, the reader, are forced to really LOOK at the baby faces. This emphasis on the sense of sight -- and only sight -- is deceptively simplistic. If you don't believe me, wait until you get to page 3: after two seemingly straightforward faces of babies listed as "Happy" and "Sad," the word under the emotion is read as "Puzzled," but clearly this expression can additionally be interpreted as "confused," "disappointed," or even "constipated." The brilliance of this writing is so far above what most baby books present, and in this way the reader is rewarded for his or her persistence, patience and intelligence.

One of the book's more controversial moments, and my personal favorite, is the two-pager "Peek-a-boo!" scene. In case you've been living under a rock and haven't caught wind of the firestorm surrounding this dramatic scene, I'll sum up for you: a red jumper-clad baby appears from under a basket, thus demonstrating the traditionally admired game of "Peek-a-boo!" 

The controversy around this scene is twofold. Not only does this scene take up two pages of a 16-page book, but in the first page of the scene the baby is not entirely hidden under the basket. In what is widely regarded as the authoritative book written on the subject of "Baby Faces," Stuart Gilbert's "James Joyce's Baby Faces: A Study" claims that without the baby's eyes being hidden by the basket, this game of "peek-a-boo" is false, and a trick. While that is a fair and valid reading of the scene, I agree with what David Foster Wallace said in an interview, which is that by seeing the baby's eyes at all time the scene is meant to be a parody of "peek-a-boo," and the reader invited in on the joke. 

Finally, no review of "BF" is complete without at least a casual mention of the kissing page. If the "peek-a-boo" pages are one of the book's more controversial scenes, then the kissing page is, without a doubt, the most controversial scene. Some words pulled from other reviews and online message board comments about this scene call it "gratuitous," "exploitative," or even "silly," but again, those are overly simplistic explanations for a rather complicated book. Sure, in an otherwise culturally diverse book we have two white, blond babies giving each other a little kiss, which might undermine the presence of the rest of the colorful cast, but my reading of the scene was that it was a natural progression of the plot. 

My strongest issue with the book is the ending. After rewarding the reader again and again with imaginative plot twists ("Angry" juxtaposed with "Worried!") and wink-wink-nudge-nudge satiric humor ("Hungry!"), I was left with a bad taste in my mouth at the vapid "Fast Asleep" last page. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I don't like when a book thinks it can trick me into sleeping with a picture of a - yes - sleeping baby. Not only was this an insult, but it was a low-brow one, which makes it all that much more disappointing.

Will "BF" be loved by everyone? Of course not. It already isn't. Is this something everyone should read anyway? Absolutely. Despite the ending the book manages to entertain, surprise, and challenge the reader in the best of ways, and this is why I return to these colorful pages again and agin.

Real O'Clock: The Feminine Mystique

Every now and then here at the Grey Skies World Headquarters, we like to take it down a notch, from our usual wine-guzzling, Walking Dead-watching, geek con-going ways and get Real. If this were a rock concert, now would be the part where I sit atop a stool, mic in hand, spotlight on, and croon "Every Rose Has A Thorn" while swaying gently, like my depth and emotion are far too sincere to be contained by sitting still.

Get out your lighters (or cell phone screens), because it's about to get Real O'Clock all up in here.

Thanks to the magic of technology, I've actually spent the last three months reading books in addition to parenting two kids, one of whom requires my help for even the simplest of things like eating, moving from place to place, falling asleep, and holding his head up. We're working on all of that. I'm all about teaching my kids independence. For example, this year we let our 3 1/2-year old, the Juban Princeling, do his own taxes.


I read Tina Fey's hilarious and thoughtful autobiography, Bossy Pants, as well as a surprisingly excellent but completely depressing book called Soft Apocalypse by William McIntosh. (Don't read it if you have a weak stomach or are prone to nightmares or worry about the end of the world.)

My husband read The Feminine Mystique a few years ago because he's awesome, and thought that as a stay at home mom I would enjoy reading it myself. Because somehow in my 36-year old feminist life I haven't read it yet. I didn't take that many women's studies classes in college - maybe two. But I've never read that most famous of Second Wave manifestos, The Feminine Mystique.


And I don't think I will.


I started reading it a few weeks ago, but could not make it through chapter 2.


Here's why.


1. It's too relevant to my life.
Reading about mothers who share peanut butter sandwiches with their kids, or feel like they are on their feet running around all day yet accomplish very little, hit home for me in a hard way. On days that I don't write, or meet up with friends, or have a date night with my husband, it's easy to feel like I'm spinning my wheels, like my days are a carousel of dishes, bottles, diapers, dropping off, picking up, calming, soothing, and bathing. Thanks to our society's perpetual finger-wagging at mothers no matter what we do, I have days when I never stop beating myself up: if my kids are asleep, or away, I feel like I should be taking full advantage of that time to clean, or write, or run errands. When they are awake and home I feel like I should devote 100% of my attention to them. I want them to be independent, but I worry they get bored. I want them to be entertained and educated, but I worry they get overstimulated. I want to spend time playing with them, but I want them to learn how to keep themselves entertained. 


In other words, sometimes "mom" isn't enough for me. Clearly our Second Wave Feminist foremothers knew that.


2. It's too irrelevant to my life.
All that said, I do write, and I do have friends, and I do have date nights with my husband. I have a rich, full life outside my children. I am lucky enough to live in a privileged position where the choice to stay home is exactly that - my choice. Far too many mothers I know of either have to work to make ends meet, or have to stay home because of the high cost of child care - not all of us live near parents or siblings or friends who are able to watch our kids all day.


Unlike the women in The Feminine Mystique, I never felt forced to marry and have children. I never felt the strain of having to choose between having a career versus having a family. I went into stay at home motherhood with my eyes wide open, knowing exactly what I walked into, and knowing that it was 100% my choice. For every moment that I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, there are ten more where I cannot imagine life without my children and experience a depth of joy I didn't know was possible.


And had my husband been the type of man who clings to traditional gender roles and expected me to stay home to raise our children, or forced me to go back to work for the money, or did not do his share of the chores and child care when he's home, or did not respect my opinions and value conversations with me on issues both large and small, this would not be possible. 

The husband - then still just my boyfriend - and I,
Washington, DC, April 2004

3. I can appreciate the book and its impact without reading it.
I'm a writer and a reader, but I've never read Moby Dick and I probably never will. I've also never read many other books considered classics. I do not think this makes me either a bad reader or a bad writer. 


I'm a geek who doesn't play video games or read comic books.


I'm a Yankees fan who does not watch every single game. (Anymore.)


My husband is a good father without ever having babysat.


And I'm a feminist who never read The Feminine Mystique. I just don't think the reading of it, or not, should define my commitment to the cause of women's rights. 


I am not an unthinking woman who feels some nebulous oppression in her life but can't articulate why. My eyes are open. My mind is curious. My life is my own, made up of careful choices and a lot of luck, and I would not have things any other way.


Every day, whether consciously or like chatter in the background of my mind, I know I owe my plethora of choices to the fearless pioneers that came before me and dared to stand up and speak up for women's equality. I'm never not aware of this. And I'm never not grateful.


4. It feels too much like work, and I have other things to read.
I've never been much into non-fiction anyway. The little bit I read has to be entertaining and has to make me nod vigorously in agreement while I read it. Does This Pregnancy Make Me Look Fat? by my friend Claire Mysko was one of those books; so was Pema Chodron's The Wisdom of No Escape, and Reading Women by Stephanie Staal. When I tried to read The Feminine Mystique, I just couldn't relate enough, even trying to read it in the context of the middle class housewives of the 1950s and 1960s. 

Feminist from birth. (That's not my mom holding me.)

My self-esteem is healthy enough that I refuse to allow myself to be pigeon-holed, either as a mother or as a wife or as any of my other many identities. 


I'm glad my husband read the book, because I think it helped him understand how stay at home motherhood by itself would never be fulfilling for me. But he already knew that. He's always encouraged me to go back to work, or not, or go back to school, or not, or write, or not, as I wish. Before our children were even conceived he told me, "Your happiness is not a luxury." He's never taken me - or my happiness, or quest for fulfillment - for granted, or diminished or disrespected my desire for something more from life. 


He's kind of really wonderful that way.


I love being a mother. I love my children. I also love many other things that make me happy. And the fact that I acknowledge these things, actively pursue non-motherly forms of happiness, and my children see it? That's pretty damn feminist right there.


What books do you know you should read, but probably never will?

Welcome, Barbara Quinn!

If I had to name someone as my writing mentor, Barbara Quinn would be she. (Is that grammatically correct, Barb?) She went from being my "boss" at the Rose & Thorn e-Zine to a personal friend to, well, a writing mentor. In the 11 or so years it's taken me to finally sit down and write my novel, she has never once given up on me. 

So, it gives me great pleasure to present to you lucky people my interview with Barb (she lets me call her that) about her fantastically dark book of magic realism, "Speed of Dark," which you should all go buy right now because it is really great and I'm not just saying that because I helped edit it. I wouldn't be pushing it if I didn't think it had value.

You can (SHOULD) buy "Speed of Dark" by clicking here.

Here's an amuse bouche for you:

There are some people you never forget. In the summer of 1964, Luke D’Angelo falls for one of them – a mysterious girl named Celeste. Like Luke, Celeste is an outsider struggling to find her identity, but unlike Luke, Celeste has special powers that have the potential to destroy everything Luke and his friends believe in. 

Luke and his mentally challenged sister become fast friends with this curious girl. Set in upstate New York, in a town that is home to a shrimp cocktail plant that belches a foul-smelling tomato and fish fog, this coming of age tale about a girl with a dream and the teens who want to help her fulfill it, is a balance between the comic and the profound. The story resonates with the message that inside each of us is a light that burns so bright no dark can extinguish it. But at what cost?

Meredith Lopez: "Speed of Dark" has such a rich, unique character – Celeste. What inspired you to create her?

Barbara Quinn:  The book grew out of a discussion with a friend about our frustration with being able to change things. I said we can’t even predict the weather, never mind change it. And that made me think, what if there was someone who could control and change things that we think can’t be changed? What would that person be like? And Celeste immediately came to mind.

ML: Why did you choose to set your novel in the 1960s? What were some of the challenges of writing about the past?

BQ: I grew up in the 60’s and have a fondness for the era. The tunes are constantly in my head, and it’s full of rich language. I did have to stop and make sure that the references I used were correct for 1964, the year it is set. 

ML: The characters in "Speed of Dark" are adolescents, but I wouldn't quite categorize the book as being Young Adult, or YA. I can't imagine the story being told by anyone else. How did you choose the character that you did to be the story's narrator? And how did you manage to cross gender lines so well?

BQ: Like Celeste, the character of Luke was clear to me from the beginning and I didn’t think about having problems crossing gender lines. Over the years I’ve listened a lot and developed an ear for speech patterns and behaviors. I have an older brother and a son, so that helped too with the adolescent feelings, behaviors, and speech.

ML:  You've been self-publishing for years, even before it became this massive "thing" in the writing and publishing worlds. How have you seen the self-publishing world change, for better or for worse?

BQ: It really has changed quite a bit, hasn’t it? You can easily put a book up at Amazon or Barnes and Noble now, though the marketing is still a challenge. While all of my books have small publishers, and none are self-published now, I didn’t start out that way. When agents were unable to place Hard Head and Speed of Dark, I turned to self-publishing. Not long ago a publisher, Eternal Press, acquired them and gave me new covers and editing and marketing. It’s great to have a publisher behind them. After my first venture with self-publishing, the next two novels, 36C and Slings and Arrows, found a home with DiskusPublishing, a small publisher. What a boon to writers this new age is.  

ML: Let's talk about the Rose & Thorn for a while. [The online literary 'zine Barbara co-founded and edited from 1998 to 2008.] Do you think your experience as an editor helps you as a writer?

BQ: Being an editor at the Rose & Thorn honed my writing skills. I learned to see why a story didn’t work, and why another one did. It also exposed me to many different genres and broadened my interest in writing and reading.  

ML: Will you ever go back to R&T, or to the literary magazine world?

BQ: That could easily happen. I enjoy everything about writing and will always have a soft spot for the Rose and Thorn.

ML: How do you find the time to write?

BQ: It isn’t easy to find the time to write but when I don’t write I get grumpy so it’s a good thing for my family when I carve out the time to get some words down. I’m not a morning person, and usually late in the day or late at night, I can find some quiet time to let things flow.

ML: What is your writing process like? Are you a planner, or a "pantser" (flying by the seat of your pants)?

BQ: I’m a combination of both. My natural inclination is to be a planner, but I’ve learned that I have to leave things that aren’t clear alone and they will reveal themselves eventually. That was hard to do at first, but I’ve learned to trust that one night I’ll wake up with the obvious solution to whatever wasn’t working in the novel. A fellow writer once told me to write what you know and fill in the rest later. So that’s what I do.

ML: What other novels do you have in the works that you can tell us about?

BQ: I’ve got a couple in the fire. I can’t say too much since there’s a weird magic that goes along with getting them done and that keeps them out of the spotlight. One is a steampunk. I’ve recently grown interested in steampunk and have an idea that I’m excited about. The other is a contemporary women’s fiction about the adventures of a recently divorced woman. Stay tuned…..

Thanks, Mer!


***
About the author:
Barbara is the author of four novels: Speed of Dark, 36C, Slings and Arrows, and the forthcoming Hard Head. She practiced law for ten years, and held many jobs from lingerie sales clerk to postal worker, cocktail waitress to process server and held many jobs from lingerie sales clerk to postal worker, cocktail waitress to process server. Her love of travel has taken her to four continents and 47 states. She splits her time between Bradley Beach on the Jersey shore and Montebello, New York. She and her husband have one son, Bret, and a grandson, Ammo. Barbara welcomes email at BAQuinn@aol.com  and would love to keep in touch via twitter.com/BarbaraQuinn.  

Welcome, Marlene Dotterer!

I've got a special treat for you all on Grey Skies this week, because that's how I roll: an interview with author Marlene Dotterer! She writes super fun time travel books, but this isn't your average going-back-in-time book. Of course it's not. Do you think I would subject you people to something "average?" In Marlene's book, "Shipbuilder," our intrepid time travelers go back to the Titanic - not as passengers with Jack and Rose, but to the building of the Titanic.

Don't even pretend like I didn't just blow your mind. Here's the blurb to whet your appetite:

Imagine being there before the Titanic set sail.

Now imagine being there before she’s even built.

Sam Altair is a physicist living in Belfast, Ireland. He has spent his career researching time travel and now, in early 2006, he’s finally reached the point where he can send objects backwards through time. The only problem is, he doesn’t know where the objects go. They don’t show up in the past, and no one notices any changes to the present. Are they creating alternate time lines?

To collect more data, Sam tries a clandestine experiment in a public park, late at night. But the experiment goes horribly wrong when Casey Wilson, a student at the university, stumbles into his isolation field. Sam tries to rescue her, but instead, he and Casey are transported back to the year 1906. Stuck in the past, cut off from everyone and everything they know, Sam and Casey work together to help each other survive. Then Casey meets Thomas Andrews, the man who will shortly begin to build the most famous ship since Noah’s Ark. Should they warn him, changing the past and creating unknown consequences for the future?

Or should they let him die?

Marlene was nice enough to stop by on her blog tour to talk about "Shipbuilder," being a lady in the sci-fi genre, and the writing process.

Meredith Lopez:
The subject of time travel is so vast. How did you choose the building of The Titanic as the setting for your first book?

Marlene Dotterer:
Thanks for having me here, Meredith. I’m always happy to talk about my book!

I didn’t really choose Titanic, actually. It was Thomas Andrews who caught my imagination. The truth is, I never planned to write a book. At least, not beyond the “I’d like to write a book someday” thinking we all have. But one day in 2007, I was watching James Cameron’s movie while I exercised. And I started wondering, who was Thomas Andrews? What kind of man builds ships for a living?

So I got on the computer and did a search on him. Wow. Lots of information, all of it talking about what a great man he was, and how kind and generous he was, and how everyone loved him...

And for some reason, every word I read squeezed my heart dry at the loss of this man. I was devastated. That’s a strange thing to feel for someone who’s been dead for a hundred years, but there’s no other word for it. I was as heartbroken as if he’d been a dearly loved relative and I just found out about his death.

I started writing the book. I wanted to give him a second chance at life. That’s crazy, of course, and I know I can’t actually do that. But within the pages of my book, he gets to try again, this time knowing what he faces.





ML: How do you deal with the issue of paradox inherent in the issue of time travel?

MD: My own understanding of time travel is pitiful. I can only go on what feels right to me, instinctually. To me, if we can go back in time, I see no way to not affect things. We’re taking up space, we’re interacting with people... something will be different. But how can the future be different if we already lived through it? Has it happened yet? If it didn’t happen, I as the time traveler, wouldn’t be alive to travel through time.

Oy, it’s enough to make you drink.

So I go with the parallel universe idea. I explain this in some detail on my website on the Journal Entries page, here and here. But I promise, no illustrations in this post! Essentially, when my time travelers go back to 1906, they create a new universe that splits off from the original one. In that new universe, everything is the same as in ours, up until that point. In general, the same things will happen in the new universe that happened in ours, unless the time travelers do something to cause a change. San Francisco has an earthquake, for example. They couldn’t stop an earthquake. But maybe they can keep a ship from sinking.

ML: What research did you do for your book, both the scientific angle and the historical angle?

MD: The scientific research was fun. I’ve always loved science, and in fact, I have a degree in geology. So this was just like being in school. I read up on the current thoughts on time travel, and tried to make sure my story fits with what we knew in 2006. Also, Albert Einstein has a minor, off-screen role in my book, so I read a couple of books about him.

Historical research covered everything from the life of Thomas Andrews and the building of the Titanic, to life in Edwardian Ireland, and the place of women in that society. Also, any story taking place in Ireland runs up against the political and religious issues. There was so much scope to this story, I had a hard time keeping the word count down!





ML: I love that your character doesn't just say, "I'm going to save the Titanic!" and then runs off in time to do that: he copes with the issue of whether or not to do it, and if so, how. Will this be a continuing theme in future "Time Travel Journals" books?

MD: Sam Altair, my fictional physicist, struggles with the question of his responsibility to other people. He didn’t mean to create a new universe, but now that it’s done, he decides to do everything he can to make it a better one.

The next book comes at it from a different angle, but the question of interference is still there. As well as the larger question of “do we have the right to create new universes in the first place?”

ML: As a woman writing sci-fi, or historical fiction with a sci-fi element, do you think you are able to bring a unique perspective to the genre?

MD: Oh, this is a funny one. Not silly funny... disturbing funny. That’s because I wonder how much I, as the author, should project my own interests and concerns into the story. For instance, I can’t imagine being forced to live in the early 20th century as a woman, and not having the right to vote. To be considered either an evil temptress or a weak idiot who must be protected. Restrictions on so many things: clothing, jobs, chaperones. Women were not even allowed into pubs - I’m sorry, but don’t come between me and my pub!

It was necessary to refrain from much of this, or the book would have been a rambling, epic monster. But I do include a few scenes relating to something that’s a huge interest of mine: childbirth.

You’re probably thinking, “OMG, yes. Those poor women had to have their babies at home, and so many of them died, and how awful it all was.” But that’s really more of an urban myth, and I left the subject in the book to deal with that.

ML: How do you find the time to write?

MD: It’s more like how do I find an excuse NOT to write? When I started Shipbuilder in 2007, I was working full-time, running my own business as a personal chef. I wrote in the evenings and on weekends, but I have to say, this book basically wrote itself. The words just poured out of me. I’ve certainly learned it’s not always like that!

Now... I’m almost afraid to admit that I’m semi-retired. I teach childbirth classes one or two evenings a week, but basically, I have lots of time to write. And I get far less written now, than I did while writing Shipbuilder. Go figure.

ML: Are you a planner, or do you just dive in to your stories? What's your pre-writing process like?

MD: Oh, I dive. I have an idea of some kind, day-dream about it for a while, then start writing the scenes I have. There’s no particular order - sometimes I have the ending, or the middle, or the beginning. Mostly I think I have the middle and as I write, I have to figure out how I got to the middle, then figure out how to get to the end.

Usually about halfway through, I step back and make a plan. I love timelines - they really help me put it together.

ML: What can you tell me about "Bridgebuilder," the upcoming sequel to "Shipbuilder?"

MD: It’s completely different from Shipbuilder - it takes place in the future, with space stations, rebel fighters, subversive organizations... all kinds of things!

The premise is that we have two universes: our original universe that we live in, and the second universe created when Sam and Casey went back to 1906. People from the second universe have figured how to get back to the first one, by building a “bridge” between them.

But when they cross over, they are in our world in the year 2080. The planet is suffering the effects of global warming, wars, and famines, and most of the countries have succumbed to restrictive theocracies. The story centers around a brilliant sixteen-year old girl named Moira, and her teacher, Andy, who is trying to help her escape from an abusive, government-protected enclave. In the process, they meet up with the time travelers, and the four of them join forces to defeat all the various bad guys.

ML: Thank you so much for stopping by Grey Skies to chat!

MD: Thank you! I really enjoyed it!


***
About the author:

Marlene Dotterer grew up as a desert rat in Tucson, Arizona. In 1990, she loaded her five children into the family station wagon, and drove north-west to the foggy San Francisco Bay Area. To stay warm, she tackled many enterprises, earning a degree in geology, working for a national laboratory, and running her own business as a personal chef. She’s a frustrated gardener, loves to cook, and teaches natural childbirth classes. She says she writes, “to silence the voices,” obsessed with the possibilities of other worlds and other times.

She is married to The Best Husband in the World, and lives in Pleasant Hill, California.

Her website is http://marlenedotterer.wordpress.com/

And while you're over at her website...

Must Have Give-Aways!

Ships are launched with a bottle of champagne. My book is about a ship, so...

Actually, perhaps it’s best if I don’t try to mail anyone a bottle of champagne. But how about a free book?

Throughout the blog tour, I’ll keep track of everyone who leaves a comment on any of the blogs and enter them into a drawing. At the end of the tour, I’ll pick three winners, each to receive an autographed copy of The Time Travel Journals: Shipbuilder.

So, read on! Comment!

There's a Book For That

I have absolutely no idea how to raise my child.

It's not like they give you classes or make you pass an exam in order to have a child. One day I went to the hospital to have this 7-lb, 11-oz mass removed from my abdomen, and they handed me a baby, a total stranger, and said I had to take care of him for the next 18 or so years. WTF? How is that fair to either of us? What, I'm supposed to automatically know what to do with a PERSON I've never met before just because he came out of my body? Who designed this shenanigan?

And so, like any good clueless, but well-intentioned, mammal, every time some sort of crisis or mini-crisis or whatever has come up, I've thrown a book at the problem. Not an actual parenting book; those are for sissies, and besides, I've yet to hear of one that isn't 100% full of crap ideas that never work in real life, where they insist you try to reason with your child in some way that does not involve lollipops and/or massive time-outs. One night, when our son was having a particularly bad night terror (he gets those), I found my well-meaning LAWYER husband in our son's room trying to reason with him. With a two year old. At 2:30 in the morning. During a night terror.

Juban Princeling: "I AM SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER FOR NO REAL REASON EXCEPT THAT I HAVE NIGHT TERRORS!"

Husband: "Son, calm down. You are acting like a wild person. Try to use your words and tell me what the matter is so we can talk about it."

Me: *shoving a sippy cup full of milk into my son's wide-open mouth and walking away*

Lesson: You can't lawyer away a toddler's night terror.



No, I don't believe in parenting books.

But I do believe in letting adorable cartoon animals do the heavy-lifting parenting for me. Why should I do all the work, when writers who clearly are better at imparting sage life lessons can do it for me? I don't call it lazy parenting, I call it smart parenting.


When my son started hitting, we read this.

When it was time to give up the bottle, we read this.

For potty training we read him this, this, and this.

He learned his colors by reading this.

To encourage him to give up his paci (YES I KNOW, SHUT UP), we're reading him this.

And to prepare him for his younger sibling we have this.


And today, after his nap, we're off to the big B&N to buy "Everybody Poops." Because bribes with candy and his own messes in his undies aren't working to get him to do #2 in the potty, and I'm plum out of ideas. What, like I've ever had to potty train anyone before? There are experts for that. And if the book doesn't work, maybe my husband can draw up a contract for him or something.

The Legality of Legalness

I know a lot of lawyers. I mean, a lot of lawyers. Probably more than is healthy for most people. It's good to know a lawyer, for those times when you want to know if you can sue the a-hole doctors who misdiagnosed your abdominal pain so that a month later you wind up in the hospital getting your gall bladder out, and your gall bladder by now is so infected it's twice the normal size and your routine surgery takes twice as long all because the emergency room doctor sent you home yesterday when she should have had you admitted instead. Not that that's ever happened to me. (But if it had, the answer is yes, I can sue the initial emergency room doctor but I will have a pretty lousy case. And I'm lazy. So no lawsuit.)

So, it's good to know a lawyer for things like that.

I keep telling my husband he should get a scales of justice
tattoo because not only is he a lawyer,
but he's a Libra! How awesome would that be! But he
refuses because he is a (sexy) stick in the mud.

But I know a lot of lawyers, which is my burden to bear through life. How did this happen? I have no idea. My father makes his living as an expert witness for personal injury lawsuits, so he knows a lot of lawyers. Then, my roommate here in New York went to law school while we were living together. Then, my husband decided to go to law school and now he's a lawyer.

Lawyers are like ants: where there's one, there's bound to be more. So for each of the lawyers I know, they, in turn, know a whole colony of others. My life is a swarm of lawyers.

I wish I knew this many doctors. I could actually use free drug samples, easy access to prescription pads, and advice on this random dry patch I've had on my left knee for as long as I can remember. How do I need all these lawyers in my life? How does that help me, ever?

(For the record, I know one doctor. One. And while she was extremely helpful last summer when my son cracked my head open and I had to get staples IN MY HEAD, she has yet to give me free drugs even though last month I went to her baby son's surprise bris as a witness to the little man joining The Tribe. So, basically, she's useless.) (And yes, that was a surprise bris.)

So, yesterday I got a pre-summons questionnaire for jury duty, which means my nerd lawyer of a husband is all a-twitter with excitement. The law is, to him, what pop culture is to normal people. He gets excited about Supreme Court decisions the way other people get excited about American Idol. He talks about landmark cases the way I talk about Quentin Tarantino movies. He brought this book with him on our honeymoon. Our honeymoon! Blue skies, bright sunshine, pink Bermudian sand, and my groom with his nerd book. He might as well have worn a fishing hat, black socks pulled up to his knees, and loafers. He wouldn't let me have a Star Wars-themed wedding, but he brought an almost textbook on the honeymoon. Know what I brought? This book. This is a book that says, "I'm on my honeymoon and can't be bothered to think real deep thoughts for real long chunks of time, kthxbye."

(Photo from nerdiest-kids.com)

Of course my nerd husband gets excited when I get called for jury duty. It means I have to come home and talk with him about his favorite subject (the law) rather than just doing what I usually do when he comes home from work, which is to smile and nod and occasionally repeat the last two words he just said so it sounds like I'm paying attention, while in my mind I'm riding behind Gael Garcia Bernal on a motorcycle across South America. No, with jury duty I'll have to pay attention to things so I can come home and regurgitate them to the nerd I married. When my questionnaire arrived he actually studied it then pop-quizzed me on it.

"Is it federal or state court?"
"How the f**k should I know?"
"What does it say?"
"Here, look and see for yourself."
"It says U.S. District Court. What do you think that means?"
"I think that means if you don't drop it you're sleeping in the bathtub for the rest of the week. I don't care what it means. It means I'm going to jury duty soon. Now STFU and let's watch some reruns of last season's True Blood before the new season starts."

Blah blah opposing counsel blah.

I know people generally hate jury duty, but I kind of like it. It's hours and hours to catch up on my reading, and lord knows I have enough of that to do. Thanks to Barnes & Noble's Free Fridays on the nook, I have dozens of e-books to read. DOZENS. Even ones I don't particularly want to read. They are free, and I'm a Jew, and I will take pretty much anything if it's free. So I have a nook full of books I might never otherwise give a second thought to, but because they were free I now have to read them all. HAVE TO.

And anyway, in my mind all court is like TV court, a point that gives my husband no small amount of agita, which he totally deserves for making me help him study for the Bar while I was pregnant with our child. To me, jury duty is like getting to be an extra on "Ally McBeal" or in the movie Chicago, both of which ARE TOTALLY HOW OUR AMERICAN JUDICIAL SYSTEM REALLY WORKS. Trust me, I have any number of attorneys to back me up on that.