Dancing With the Stars Post-Mortem: Week 5

I had to watch this week's episode on ABC.com the day after it aired, because Monday was my husband's birthday and I had to go out to dinner with him or whatever. I think he had his birthday on a Monday on purpose so he wouldn't have to watch DWTS. And then, of course, less than a week after crawling back to the Dark Side with our tails between our legs and re-installing cable, our DVR neglected to record the show for me. It records everything else, but I'm pretty sure Time Warner is in cahoots with my husband to keep DWTS out of our home. I'M ON TO YOU JERKS!

So I had to watch the episode streaming from my computer, which meant I was subject to the same goram ads about a zillion times. No joke, at some point I watched the same commercial for "How to Succeed In Business Without Trying" starring Harry Potter FOUR TIMES IN A ROW. Four. I'm not making that up. And I swear to dog, if I have to see that idiotic Bank of America commercial one more time I will cut a bitch. I will. 

Deep breath, Mer. We're here for the dancing and the train wrecks. Focus.

This was 80s Week, which I don't think is so much a dancing show theme as it is a collective nightmare we all had. Right? Who else remembers the 80s? I'm actually amazed any of us survived, what with all the hairspray we inhaled and the colors that should have blinded us. My grandmother died in 1983, and since it was the 80s nobody cared about children so instead of being sent to a child psychologist to deal with my grief I had to suck it up. AND, even worse, I still had my natural hair color, no braces yet, and no boobs. Why on earth would I remember the 80s fondly?

Anyway, everyone on DWTS except for Tom Bergeron - who I'm pretty sure is a cyborg - made their hair really big and put on shoulder pads and bright colors that give the middle finger to any color found in nature, and we had an 80s show. 

And the Bangles performed. Badly. 

Speaking of performances, not that I'm complaining, but can anyone remember the last time the men wore actual shirts for the opening dance?

Last week Hope Solo did one of my favorite dances of the night, but this week I felt embarrassed for her, and not just because she did a Tango to - god help me - Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer." Feeling embarrassed for someone else is almost worse than feeling embarrassed for yourself and I DON'T LIKE FEELING THAT WAY, OK HOPE? She showed so much potential last week, but this week her dance felt stressful. Like she was trying too hard. I could almost hear her internal voice saying, "Be sexy! Finish your lines!" Hope, here's some free advice: while Len is only trying to help, you can't take every word he says too seriously. Listen to Maks, who, despite seeming like kind of a douche is actually a really good dancer and can bring out the best in his partners. Relax. Have fun. You have natural ability, so try not to kill yourself over this, yeah? Also, my husband has a crush on you because he likes "pretty but scary" women (his words), so as long as you stay in the competition he'll reluctantly watch the show with me. For you. No pressure, girl.

I'm glad that Tristan listened to me last week and pushed Nancy Grace into some more complicated choreography. It paid off: Nancy's Rhumba to Spandau Ballet's "True," which is an awesome song, was really good. The Rhumba is not my favorite dance because it always looks like the interpretive dance of a really terrible movie sex scene, but it has a special place in my heart because my husband and I did a Rhumba for our wedding dance. (To the Beatles' "And I Love Her." Don't pretend like you didn't just say, "Awwww!") And Tristan? HUGE props for NOT doing the usual "We're in our sexy pajamas!" costumes for the Rhumba. Seriously. So. Over. That. Anyway, Nancy's Rhumba hit the spot and I think she did a really good job last night. Good girl, Nancy.

J.R. Martinez. Oh my freaking god, what a dance! I want to live inside his Samba. This dance is what is going to win him the mirror ball trophy. I miss the encore dances, and I really hoped they'd ask Jose Rene to do his Samba, to Miami Sound Machine's "Conga," again. (Miami, whatwhat!)

Rob Kardashian did a pretty good Rhumba to Lionel Richie's "Hello," but I think Nancy Grace's was better. Len pointed out that it's hard for the male stars to do the Rhumba well, but I would go so far as to say that it's even harder to do with Cheryl, who has such a strong, domineering personality. Not that that's a bad thing, but I think that Rob's been a little intimidated by Cheryl, and even though his Rhumba was fine, I think it could have been better. 

Chaz Bono no longer has a sour puss about being on the show, thankfully. I actually managed to enjoy his Samba to Kool & The Gang's "Get Down On It," but I still think that at this point he's got maybe three weeks left, tops. Also, when Tom mentioned that Chaz and Lacey were going to Samba to Kool & The Gang, but didn't mention which song, am I the only one who hoped it would be "Jungle Boogie?"

I admit, when I saw David Arquette's costume, I thought he and Kym might be doing a Tango to something by The Sex Pistols. Or at least, The Clash. Then I realized: it probably defies the laws of physics to do any kind of dance to The Sex Pistols, plus then we'd have to hear Cyborg Tom say the word "sex," and no one wants that. But a Tango to "London Calling" might have been kind of awesome. Just saying. Then again, maybe that's more of a Paso song. Anyway, he was competent, but I don't think he's a contender like J.R. or Hope or Ricki are. I think that the week after Chaz goes, thus goes David.

I nearly peed myself when John Waters showed up at Ricki Lake's rehearsal. Who doesn't love John Waters? Terrorists, that's who. Despite what the judges said, I kind of dug her Roger Rabbits. I never did master that particular dance craze from the late 80s, so good on ya, Ricki. But Derek was right, doing a Foxtrot to Phil Collin's "Easy Lover" was not a great pairing, so whatever little blips and bloops happened in her dance I'm just going to pin on the idiot producers. Dumbasses.

And now we come to this week's Train Wreck: Carson Kressley's Jive to Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." I almost could not watch this. I knew he would get eliminated for this dance, but I don't blame him - he's been charismatic and charming and I have been rooting for him so hard. I blame Anna for his departure, though my husband flicked me for saying so because if there's anything he loves more than "pretty but scary" women it's "pretty, scary, and red-headed" women. AHEM. Anna's been my husband's long-term DWTS crush ever since Juliana Hough left the show, so he's heartbroken that she's gone. And, again I will say, for someone who hates the show with the vitriol that he does, he's keeping a rather close eye on it, huh? Anyway, I blame Anna because this Jive: a)had no Jive in it; and b)highlighted Carson's weaknesses instead of playing up his strengths. Yes, he's showy, but that was no reason to force the guy to do high kicks (painful to watch) or jumps (ouch). Unlike last week's Chynna Philips Train Wreck, which was one of those unfortunate things that just happens, this week Carson got eliminated because of Anna's poor choreography choices. *wagging finger at Anna*

Still, what a good sport, eh? "I'll still be in the audience cheering on my team mates!" Love you, Carson. Fair thee well.

Next week: Maks mumbles some words of encouragement; Cheryl gets annoyed; and the boys all take their shirts off. Stay tuned!