Dancing With the Stars Post-Mortem: The Finale

This year for Thanksgiving I am grateful for my wonderful family, my health, my baby-to-be, Twizzlers, the Red Sox failure to make it into the post-season, and J.R. Martinez winning Dancing With the Stars Season 13.

What I am not thankful for is the 2-hour finale starting at 9. Some of us are tired. Some of us are pregnant. Some of us need sleep, and staying up until 11 is mean. You could have started at 8, DWTS, is all I'm saying.


I've been predicting since Week 4 that J.R. would win, so I wasn't that surprised. But I did worry that the judges' collective crush on Rob Kardashian might create an unpleasant upset. Not that Rob isn't adorable and cute and a good dancer, but if J.R. lost it would be like shaking hands with Hitler: disturbing, wrong, and un-American.


J.R.: "Thank you to everyone who voted for me!"
Me: "YOU'RE WELCOME."


In one of many shockers of the night, Ricki Lake came in third place, but she seemed to be a good sport about it, which is good, because I remember when Layla Ali wasn't a good sport about coming in third and that made me lose respect for her which then made me afraid of her because I bet she could totally feel my lack of respect through the T.V. and wanted to reach out and punch me in the face, like it's somehow my fault she doesn't know how to lose gracefully. At least Ricki didn't do that, though maybe she did and they just didn't show it? No, I can't sleep at night thinking about that, so we're all going to pretend that Ricki was a graceful nerd with a hairy chest. Did anyone else do that rhyme growing up? "First is worst, second's best, third is the nerd with the hairy chest." No? Ok.


The biggest shocker of the night, in my opinion, was that J.R. did not choose his Samba from Week 5 for his third dance of the night. That was probably my favorite dance of the entire season. But later on, when he had to do an Instant Samba, it sort of made more sense. And he didn't do the Waltz from Week 3, but I kind of get that because it is super-emotional, and if it made me cry my eyes out and I don't even know J.R. personally and am not, you know, him, then I can't imagine him forcing himself to do it again. 

So, whatever, he did his Jive and it was fine, but here's the thing: forcing the dancers to do 3-4 dances in two nights was just cruel. In spite of the judges' gushing accolades, J.R., Rob, and even Ricki just fell flat last night. I know, I'm not supposed to say that, I'm supposed to be all, "It was everyone's best dances ever and the crowning jewel in the Dancing With the Stars tiara of joy!" But I can't. Because that's a lie. Everyone was tired, and I think forcing Rob and J.R. to do an instant Samba was unnecessary and made me feel bad for them because they were clearly exhausted. At that point in the show I seriously doubt the Instant Samba made the difference in who won, and it wasn't fun to watch.


Know what was fun to watch? Carson Kressley's dance to Madonna's "Vogue." Well, it was fun if you ignore the fact that poor Carson can't dance his way out of a wet paper bag, but I still enjoyed it.


And I'm glad that Chynna Philips got to redeem herself with her Tango, but more importantly, I'm glad I got to see my Tony dance one last time this season. I LOVE YOU TONY YOU ARE TOTALLY MY FAVORITE PRO!!! <3 <3 <3

But if we're going to talk about the finals, and I mean really talk about the finals here in the intimacy of my blog, we need to talk about the freestyle dances from Monday night, specifically J.R. and Karina's lifts. Did they turn off the gravity in the DWTS ballroom for those? Is Karina hollow inside? IS J.R. REALLY SUPERMAN??? I think Carrie-Ann summed up those lifts best: "sick." In a good way. 

Anyway, I'm at the point in this post-mortem where there is probably tons more to say, but I can't, because J.R. won and all is right with the world, and also I am trying to spend time with my family for the holiday week. Next season starts a few days after my due date, so we'll see if I am capable of doing these post-mortems. We'll see, but hopefully I will be back with these in March, despite a newborn. Priorities, you know.


Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone, and especially thank you to my awesome husband for putting up with my obsession even though he hates the show. <3

Dancing With the Stars Post-Mortem: Week 9

I was so afraid I was going to have to start this post with a giant, "NOOOOOOO!" because of J.R.'s ankle. What if I jinxed him? What if he gets the boot because of me? I was too tired to text in my votes Monday night and what if there's a huge upset on Tuesday because of my laziness? 

Thankfully, I did not cause J.R. to get eliminated. If he had been, I'm not sure I could live with myself. With everything else going on in the news lately I am sorely tempted to move my family to a log cabin in the woods and live as solitary survivalists, and J.R. not making it to the finals may very well have pushed me over the edge.

Because he's still in, we don't have to break the lease on our new apartment. 

This is how the world works when you live with me.

Meanwhile, my husband loves the DWTS finals because, as he puts it, "When that show ends, we all win." See, he says stuff like that, and yet he will also comment on the dances. He pretends to play Angry Birds next to me on the couch, but I think he secretly loves DWTS. 

Also: MUPPETS! 

Nothing on earth makes me as happy as the Muppets do. So Muppets on DWTS? It's like all my Christmases and birthdays rolled into one! Why aren't the Muppets on every week???

And Carson Kressley. I <3 you. Never leave the show!!!

Now, if I were Hope Solo, and I was pretty sure that barring Rob or J.R. or Ricki dropping dead I was going to be eliminated this week, you know what I would NOT do? Start my Paso Doble in chains. And sit on the floor in the middle of my Paso while Maks dances around me. But that's just me; I've seen a lot of seasons of this show and I know what needs to happen in the semi-finals in order to advance to the championship dance. Maybe Hope didn't know these things. Maybe Maks forgot? Maybe he was so busy holding her hand during her shoulder injections and trying to be a Nice Guy that he didn't think, "Hey, the semi-finals are no place for wasting time with chains and floor-sitting!" 

Then again, maybe they both knew, which is why neither of them were at all surprised when Hope got eliminated last night. We'll just never know.

Their Argentine Tango, though....whew! HOT! RAWR! 

Husband: "Doesn't someone do a Tango to that song every season?"

See? He pays lots of attention for someone who professes to hate this show with the passion of a thousand dying suns.

He also called her fringe pants during her part of the Cha-Cha relay "gorilla legs." I'm just saying.

Still, the sexy, steamy Tango could not save Hope from the merciless producers who have clearly wanted her to go from Week 1, but more on that later.

Now, J.R. sprained his ankle during rehearsals, but he took a page from the book of Ricki Lake - and also, let's face it, the dude is probably the toughest man on the planet - and kept going. His Paso was not his best dance, but I didn't think it was as bad as Len said it was. His footwork was surprisingly crisp and precise for having an ankle injury, and I've already said that I know from ankle injuries. 


His Argentine Tango was also fine, and for a second dance on a hurt ankle, he not only pulled it off he actually impressed the judges. I knew they couldn't stay disappointed in him for long.


I admit, I was embarrassed for Rob when he and Cheryl came out on that parade float with the giant blow-up rainbow behind them. But I also admit that I kind of loved their Samba. I loved it so much that I woke up the next day with "I Go to Rio" stuck in my head, and sang it for my 3-year old son, the Juban Princeling, when he woke up, so we Samba'ed together from his room to the kitchen. It was highly cute. Oh yeah, and Rob got his first perfect score to this dance.


After Rob's Argentine Tango, the judges pointed out that Rob is actually a good dancer, and not hiding behind Cheryl, which is true. I've said before and I'll say again how much I hate when stars don't really put any dance in their dances and still continue from one week to the next, or even win the mirrorball trophy. I'm looking at YOU, Emmett Smith. When the pros don't have a strong dancer, they have a tendency to have the stars simply stand there while they do all the dancing. This is more obvious with female stars and male pros than it is with male stars and female pros, which is how Emmett Smith won a few years ago. But Rob doesn't do that, and I'm glad the judges noticed.

So, Ricki Lake. I like her so much, but is her whole "I'm no good at this!" schtick getting under anyone else's nerves? It's a little annoying, I think, to make it this far in the competition and still act surprised when you do well. She's like that friend we all have who apologizes all the time for everything, and at first you're like, "No, really, you're fine!" but then after a while you're like, "Seriously, stop. You're making me feel like a monster here." Ricki - you are in the finals. I think it's OK to be proud of yourself. 

Anyway, Ricki and Derek did a Samba to "Jump in the Line," which is another song my husband is sure someone does a Samba to every season. And again: he hates this show and tries to distract himself every week when I watch it, but this he notices. Mmm-hmm. (I'm going to end up divorced after this post.) And I didn't notice any glaring problems with the Samba, despite Ricki's sour puss when she finished, and clearly the judges agreed with me because Ricki got a perfect score. So, you know, just smile and say "Thank you," Ricki. Oy.


Her Argentine Tango was excellent. Of course. Just...stop demanding external validation already!


Anyhoodle.


I'd like to take a second and point out how much I enjoyed the Design-A-Dance. Even my husband liked it because he is in love with Anna Trebunskaya. What can I say, he likes bossy redheads. I like it when the Paso costumes are more black leather and Goth-ey, it goes with the dance. (Husband: "Well, yeah. Gothic and Paso Doble go together because who do you think the original goths were, as in the Visigoths who ruled Spain?") I've also always thought that "Bad Romance" would be a kick-ass Paso song. And I was right. Of course.


In fact, some day when I am finally just famous enough to be on DWTS, here is my song list. Oh, I know I won't get to pick my own songs, but here's my list anyway:


Paso Doble: "I Love Rock n' Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
Samba: "The Rhythm of the Night" by El Debarge
Argentine Tango: "Common People" by Pulp (is that Sadie Frost in the video?)
Mambo: "Conga" by Miami Sound Machine
Cha-Cha: "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure
Jive: "Just Can't Get Enough" by Depeche Mode
Rhumba: "On and On" by Stephen Bishop
Quickstep: "A Little Respect" by Erasure
Foxtrot: "Galileo" by Indigo Girls
Waltz: "Angels" by Robbie Williams
Freestyle (for when I make it to the finals): "Say Hey (I Love You)" by Michael Franti & Spearhead




Learn it, know it, love it, DWTS producers. Also: if you pair me with anyone but Tony Dovolani as my partner, I will cut a bitch.

Yes, I've put a lot of thought into this, and maybe if I put this much effort into my writing career I'd be published already.


So, Hope Solo got eliminated last night, to absolutely no one's surprise, least of all hers or Maks's. You could tell by the way Maks embraced her before the announcement that he totally saw this coming. And so did she. She had none of Nancy Grace's (possibly false) bravado, and was not at all stunned to find herself in the bottom two like J.R. was.


And here's another example of inconsistency in judging. I know I'm not a professional ballroom judge, but I never thought Hope's dancing was as bad as all that. Len, Bruno and Carrie-Ann seemed to pick on her a lot when there were always worse dancers around. Hope was actually kind of good, though she had no shot in hell of winning. But the producers of the show clearly had their favorites, and Hope was not one of them. I think this might be what Maks - and, many seasons ago, Derek - tried to say, though it came off as a self-serving rant: that for some contestants, the odds are stacked against them and no matter what they do they aren't going to win. I hate to sound paranoid, but I do believe that's how it is on this show. There are fan favorites who stay voted on, but there are also producer favorites, kept around for ratings reasons no matter how poorly they dance. (See above, re: Emmett Smith.) And poor Hope was not one of the faves. Maybe she wasn't controversial enough or didn't have a famous mama, but clearly her fans kept her alive far past the point which the producers - through the judges - would have kicked her off. 


So, we are nearly at the end of our DWTS run (husband: "Thank god!"). Next week we have the finals, which is always super fun because I like seeing what everyone chooses for their freestyle dances. Here's some free advice, Ricki, Rob and J.R.: don't do a slow song. Do something fun and fast and energetic. The slow songs are pretty much death knells in the finals. 


Stay tuned!

Dancing With the Stars Post-Mortem: Week 5

I had to watch this week's episode on ABC.com the day after it aired, because Monday was my husband's birthday and I had to go out to dinner with him or whatever. I think he had his birthday on a Monday on purpose so he wouldn't have to watch DWTS. And then, of course, less than a week after crawling back to the Dark Side with our tails between our legs and re-installing cable, our DVR neglected to record the show for me. It records everything else, but I'm pretty sure Time Warner is in cahoots with my husband to keep DWTS out of our home. I'M ON TO YOU JERKS!

So I had to watch the episode streaming from my computer, which meant I was subject to the same goram ads about a zillion times. No joke, at some point I watched the same commercial for "How to Succeed In Business Without Trying" starring Harry Potter FOUR TIMES IN A ROW. Four. I'm not making that up. And I swear to dog, if I have to see that idiotic Bank of America commercial one more time I will cut a bitch. I will. 

Deep breath, Mer. We're here for the dancing and the train wrecks. Focus.

This was 80s Week, which I don't think is so much a dancing show theme as it is a collective nightmare we all had. Right? Who else remembers the 80s? I'm actually amazed any of us survived, what with all the hairspray we inhaled and the colors that should have blinded us. My grandmother died in 1983, and since it was the 80s nobody cared about children so instead of being sent to a child psychologist to deal with my grief I had to suck it up. AND, even worse, I still had my natural hair color, no braces yet, and no boobs. Why on earth would I remember the 80s fondly?

Anyway, everyone on DWTS except for Tom Bergeron - who I'm pretty sure is a cyborg - made their hair really big and put on shoulder pads and bright colors that give the middle finger to any color found in nature, and we had an 80s show. 

And the Bangles performed. Badly. 

Speaking of performances, not that I'm complaining, but can anyone remember the last time the men wore actual shirts for the opening dance?

Last week Hope Solo did one of my favorite dances of the night, but this week I felt embarrassed for her, and not just because she did a Tango to - god help me - Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer." Feeling embarrassed for someone else is almost worse than feeling embarrassed for yourself and I DON'T LIKE FEELING THAT WAY, OK HOPE? She showed so much potential last week, but this week her dance felt stressful. Like she was trying too hard. I could almost hear her internal voice saying, "Be sexy! Finish your lines!" Hope, here's some free advice: while Len is only trying to help, you can't take every word he says too seriously. Listen to Maks, who, despite seeming like kind of a douche is actually a really good dancer and can bring out the best in his partners. Relax. Have fun. You have natural ability, so try not to kill yourself over this, yeah? Also, my husband has a crush on you because he likes "pretty but scary" women (his words), so as long as you stay in the competition he'll reluctantly watch the show with me. For you. No pressure, girl.

I'm glad that Tristan listened to me last week and pushed Nancy Grace into some more complicated choreography. It paid off: Nancy's Rhumba to Spandau Ballet's "True," which is an awesome song, was really good. The Rhumba is not my favorite dance because it always looks like the interpretive dance of a really terrible movie sex scene, but it has a special place in my heart because my husband and I did a Rhumba for our wedding dance. (To the Beatles' "And I Love Her." Don't pretend like you didn't just say, "Awwww!") And Tristan? HUGE props for NOT doing the usual "We're in our sexy pajamas!" costumes for the Rhumba. Seriously. So. Over. That. Anyway, Nancy's Rhumba hit the spot and I think she did a really good job last night. Good girl, Nancy.

J.R. Martinez. Oh my freaking god, what a dance! I want to live inside his Samba. This dance is what is going to win him the mirror ball trophy. I miss the encore dances, and I really hoped they'd ask Jose Rene to do his Samba, to Miami Sound Machine's "Conga," again. (Miami, whatwhat!)

Rob Kardashian did a pretty good Rhumba to Lionel Richie's "Hello," but I think Nancy Grace's was better. Len pointed out that it's hard for the male stars to do the Rhumba well, but I would go so far as to say that it's even harder to do with Cheryl, who has such a strong, domineering personality. Not that that's a bad thing, but I think that Rob's been a little intimidated by Cheryl, and even though his Rhumba was fine, I think it could have been better. 

Chaz Bono no longer has a sour puss about being on the show, thankfully. I actually managed to enjoy his Samba to Kool & The Gang's "Get Down On It," but I still think that at this point he's got maybe three weeks left, tops. Also, when Tom mentioned that Chaz and Lacey were going to Samba to Kool & The Gang, but didn't mention which song, am I the only one who hoped it would be "Jungle Boogie?"

I admit, when I saw David Arquette's costume, I thought he and Kym might be doing a Tango to something by The Sex Pistols. Or at least, The Clash. Then I realized: it probably defies the laws of physics to do any kind of dance to The Sex Pistols, plus then we'd have to hear Cyborg Tom say the word "sex," and no one wants that. But a Tango to "London Calling" might have been kind of awesome. Just saying. Then again, maybe that's more of a Paso song. Anyway, he was competent, but I don't think he's a contender like J.R. or Hope or Ricki are. I think that the week after Chaz goes, thus goes David.

I nearly peed myself when John Waters showed up at Ricki Lake's rehearsal. Who doesn't love John Waters? Terrorists, that's who. Despite what the judges said, I kind of dug her Roger Rabbits. I never did master that particular dance craze from the late 80s, so good on ya, Ricki. But Derek was right, doing a Foxtrot to Phil Collin's "Easy Lover" was not a great pairing, so whatever little blips and bloops happened in her dance I'm just going to pin on the idiot producers. Dumbasses.

And now we come to this week's Train Wreck: Carson Kressley's Jive to Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." I almost could not watch this. I knew he would get eliminated for this dance, but I don't blame him - he's been charismatic and charming and I have been rooting for him so hard. I blame Anna for his departure, though my husband flicked me for saying so because if there's anything he loves more than "pretty but scary" women it's "pretty, scary, and red-headed" women. AHEM. Anna's been my husband's long-term DWTS crush ever since Juliana Hough left the show, so he's heartbroken that she's gone. And, again I will say, for someone who hates the show with the vitriol that he does, he's keeping a rather close eye on it, huh? Anyway, I blame Anna because this Jive: a)had no Jive in it; and b)highlighted Carson's weaknesses instead of playing up his strengths. Yes, he's showy, but that was no reason to force the guy to do high kicks (painful to watch) or jumps (ouch). Unlike last week's Chynna Philips Train Wreck, which was one of those unfortunate things that just happens, this week Carson got eliminated because of Anna's poor choreography choices. *wagging finger at Anna*

Still, what a good sport, eh? "I'll still be in the audience cheering on my team mates!" Love you, Carson. Fair thee well.

Next week: Maks mumbles some words of encouragement; Cheryl gets annoyed; and the boys all take their shirts off. Stay tuned!

Dancing With the Stars Post-Mortem: Week 4

Welcome to a new weekly feature here on Grey Skies, the DWTS post-mortem, in which your humble blogess tells you exactly what you should think about the week's dances and elimination, and why, if you disagree with me, you are wrong. I have been watching DWTS for years, ever since Season 3, when a co-worker of mine said, "No, trust me, just watch. It's awesome." And I did. And it was!


My husband, a usually calm and laid back, chill kind of guy, hates this show with the type of toxic virulence he usually reserves for Republican presidential candidates. But he loves me, so he puts up with it. Grudgingly. And with many noisy complaints. ("Live! From my personal Hell! It's Dancing With the Stars!") And usually with his new iPhone in hand to distract him from the agony of having to watch "stars" do their "dancing" on our TV.

If you are one of those "I need 'SPOILER ALERT!!1!!!!' written on everything or else I will sue you!" types, then please avert your eyes nowish.

I know, I know. Enough coddling. Let's just jump in, shall we?

Week 4's theme was "Movie Scores," and I have to say, I kind of loved it. I don't usually like when the couples use props and other stupid stuff like benches or hats in their dances, but I like movie score week. It's just fun, you know? Kind of cheeky, kind of cute. I dig it.

And I think that most of the stars liked getting into character for their dances this week. The actors especially - Ricki Lake and David Arquette - really nailed this one. Of course, that's to be expected, right? They're actors! Give them a character and they will act! And though I like Ricki Lake a lot, and I think she will go far in this competition, I don't think she was 29-worthy. Part of it is that I hate when the judges bust out their "10" paddles too early in the season, but part of it is that I think her dance was good, and a 29 should be reserved for a really great dance. Hers was maybe a 25 or 26.

David Arquette did amazing, I thought, especially considering his past dances have been kind of blah. As my husband so eloquently put it last night, the guy's brain seems to have been fried from his substance abuse and now he's just a space cadet. (Husband's words, not mine. For someone who hates the show so much, he pays an awful lot of attention, knowwhatImean?) I don't know if it was getting into character as Indiana Jones that did it for him or what, but he nailed that Paso Doble. I hope this dance gives him some confidence and he comes back next week doing equally well or better, because I really like seeing Courtney Cox and their daughter Coco in the audience.

My two favorite dances of the night were, by far, Hope Solo's Foxtrot and Carson Kressley's Viennese Waltz. I know that Carson isn't the judges' favorite, and he probably won't make it past week 6 or 7 because that's how this show works, but I like him a lot. He's funny, he's fun, and his dances are consistently entertaining. And Hope is a much better dancer than she seems at first, but most of the athletes are. Except you, Mr. Ron Artest I don't care about your stupid new name! My only problem with Hope is her professional partner, Maks, who is probably my lease favorite of the pros. He's just too conceited for me, and I don't like how he mumbles.  You have an accent! Try to articulate better so I can at least hear you, even if I can't understand you! A few years ago I tried that DWTS exercise video starring Maks and Cheryl, and, seriously, Maks is, like, comatose for the whole thing. Just...blech, Maks. Anyway, Hope did a super-cute dance to the Toy Story song (does Disney actually own Randy Newman, or what?) with her nephew in the audience IN A BUZZ LIGHTYEAR COSTUME. I COULD SERIOUSLY DIE OF ADORABLE OMGNOMNOMNOM.

Nancy Grace was OK. I think she could be a decent dancer, and I know Tristan is newish, but I'm not digging his choreography. I think he plays it safe, and maybe that's because Nancy isn't as strong a dancer as some of the others, but their dances are kind of zzzzz.... to watch, and I fully blame Tristan for that, even though he is kind of a hottie. I kind of wanted Nancy to be eliminated this week, though. Not because I don't like her, but because I think hers are the weakest of all the dances overall.


I've been supporting Chaz Bono from the start because I identify as an LGBTQ-ally, and because I wanted to see Cher in the audience. Maybe she could perform a song on one of the results shows? Maybe she could do "If I Could Turn Back Time" for us? Cher? You listening? But let's face it: Chaz seemed utterly disappointed last week when he didn't get sent home, and even though his Paso was pretty good this week, I think he still wants to go home. Either that or he's just massively media unfriendly. Either way, I think voting him off soon will be a mercy for everyone and for Chaz most of all.


Me: "If my kid was on this show, I'd be in the audience for every single episode."
Husband: "Maybe the producers told Cher to wait, so people would have to keep voting to keep Chaz on."
Me: "Yeah, well, if that were the Juban Princeling there, I'd be like, 'Fuck you and your ratings, producers! That's my kid and I'm going to go be there for him!'"


I'm not saying I'm a better mother than Cher is that way - not at all, as I'm sure she can beat me up. I'm just saying we have different mothering styles. Please don't hurt me, Cher.


J.R. Martinez did OK. Last week his dance made me cry my face off, and I think that he may win this whole thing, but this week he was just pretty good. I didn't think he did as badly as the judges thought he did, but he's done better. He's a really good dancer. I worried at first that he'd only get the sympathy vote, but the guy can really, really move. This week, though, he lacked a certain effortlessness he usually has. 


Rob Kardashian pleasantly surprised me this week, and even though I can't stand his professional partner Cheryl "Man Stealer" Burke, I kind of crushed out on his Superman-inspired Paso. I was shocked he wound up in the bottom three, but happy that he survived another week. I think he's going to continue to surprise us all. (Note to Carrie-Ann: "Rob Kardashian is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian!" This isn't a competition between siblings, OK? That comment was wholly unnecessary, and, I think, a little mean.)


And so we come to the train wreck of the night, Chynna Phillips's Tango. Oh, Chynna. I'm so sorry you got eliminated this week. I can't believe the audience wasn't more forgiving of her little - ok, major - boo-boo. I fully expected the championship dance to be between her and JR. Was her complete breakdown on the dance floor worth sending her home? I didn't think so. Was it painful to watch? Oh, hell yes. And, since Tony is my favorite professional dancer, I have to say BOO TO YOU, AUDIENCE! You sent my Tony away! Waaaaaaaah!

Next week: Bruno gesticulates wildly; Carrie-Anne gets emotional; Len gives the studio audience dirty looks. Stay tuned!